Trust Me Hash...Wendover, NV

VIVA WENDOVER (this is my version of the story and this is exactlywhat happened)

DAY 1
The 2007 Trust Me Hash, the first one in Coloradohistory, began at Red Rocks Bar on the third floor, east terminal of DIA Airport. There, 14 inquisitiveand eager hashers (four from Ft. Collins, four from Denver, and 6 from Atlanta) converged at 10:30am not knowing where their hares were taking them for athree-night trip. The hares were Head Eunuch, Can’t Say No, and Sperm Crawler who refrained from revealing their secret for another two hours as hashers filled themselves with bloodymarys and rum and cokes. Not knowing what to pack, Atlanta hasher Dribbles brought his mountain bike while Atlanta hasher Dipstick brought his skydiving parachute. Humpa Gump the wine connoisseur brought six bottles of wine. KneeDeep wore lime green and orange putt-putt shoes and cartoon pants. As hashers continued to guess where they were going, Cucci from Atlanta was more interested in where her relationship with Dipstick was going and asked him,“So where are we exactly in our relationship?”Dipstick quickly changed the subject by turning to Free Busch and saying, “Your shoe is untied.” Then he smelled a fart and moved away from her saying, “You Colorado folks smell.”Some of the Atlanta hashers along with Can’t Say No were vastly hung over from drinking margaritas the night before. In fact, Cucci bonded so well with her four margaritas that she shared one of them with her left boob. So needless to say, her boob was undergoing ‘morning after’ shakes as Pays 4Busch stared at it and drooled. The Fabio-like Butt Pipe from Atlanta brushed his hands through his long flowing hair and asked the group, “How does my hair look? Look okay?”GreenPiece was the nurse of the group. She took care of everyone from the very start by giving them yellowfever vaccinations just in case they would be traveling to an infected area of the world. RoseBud was the most obnoxious and chattiest one of the bunch. There’s always one in every group. After a couple hours the hashers were already so drunk that they couldn’t remember why they were meeting at DIA Airport. It was then that Head Eunuch stood up and peeled off the top layer of clothing he was wearing to reveal a brilliant light blue long-sleeved t-shirt. He turned around and beneath a logo of three animated hares (created by Dribbles, the artist of the group), was the answer the hares had been waiting for. Dipstick read it to the crowd, “BEND OVER EVA.” “WHAT?!” Eunuch quickly smoothed the wrinkles of hisshirt and Dipstick read it again. “Oh! WENDOVER, NEVADA. “WHAT?!” All members of the group looked ateach other with puzzled faces.
RoseBud said, “Can we go somewhere else?”
Green Piece said, “Are there adequate medical facilities there?”
Humpa Gump asked, “Is there a winery there?”
Free Busch said, “Exactly what are the requireddimensions for the baggage and do you think they will take my neon orange sixties-looking, flower-decorated,African imported, God-awful body bag?”
Pays 4Busch said, “Where is the chicken exit for thisride?”

The hares quelled the hashers by promising them therewould be plenty of beer to which everyone yelled,“Hooray!”And then they imitated Lay Me Over’s seal clap (also known as the ‘short bus’ clap). The hares then gave the hashers t-shirts identical to Eunuch’s with their names on them and beer mugs with blinking lights that blinded hashers as they tried to drink from them. Triple Tongue inexplicably unzipped his pants and tried to fit the mug over his testicles. On the way to their gate Knee Deep was shoved into one of the carry-on luggage tubs and sent through the x-ray machine because the person standing behind her thought she was a toy. Hashers boarded a plane that was largely comprised of senior citizens with hearing-aids and oxygen tanks. The flight attendants forced all passengers to down full cups of cheap and rancid champagne. In fact the pilot of the plane had so much of this champagne that he passed out. Flight attendants ran up to Atlanta hasher Open Wide who used to be a pilot and said to her,“Quick! We need you to fly the plane to Wendover!” “What is it?” Open Wide asked them.“It’s a tiny town where we send old people but that’s beside the point.”

As Open Wide got up from her seat, a flight attendanthanded her a cup of champagne and said, “Here, drink this.” “But I already had one,” Open Wide said.“DRINK IT!”Cucci turned to Dipstick and said, “Let’s talk aboutour relationship.” Butt Pipe asked nobody inparticular, “How does my hair look?” Then he asked aflight attendant for a mirror. Free Busch farted thenpointed her finger at Pays 4Busch. Dipstick moved toanother seat.Once they arrived Wendover, hashers noticed littlemore than four casino hotels, an old folks’ oxygentank refill stand, and a token 25-year old skankycasino whore whom Eunuch and Crawler later met in anelevator and tried to convince her to hash with themwhile they stared at her bulbous scantily-clad breastsand drooled.That night at the Peppermill Hotel, Dipstick got sodrunk that he couldn’t remember which room was his andso he found Rose Bud and Green Piece’s room andclimbed into bed with them.

DAY 2 - Day two began with a mysterious disappearance. Crawlernoticed that all of his underwear was missing alongwith one pair of socks. Hashers gathered at 2pmoutside the hotel for the first run of the weekend.While most of the group was decked in typical hasherapparel, elite runner Butt Pipe from Atlanta wore askintight aerodynamic Olympic runner’s uniform and aswimming cap under which he tucked his Fabio locks inorder to cut down on wind resistance. Dipstick worehis skydiving parachute while Triple Tongue had hislit-up beer mug fastened to his groin.When the run began, Butt Pipe and Burning Bush got sofar out in front of everyone else that they actuallylapped the group. The trail led hashers into adangerously rugged canyon that featured terrain sojagged that when LMO fell down, the razor-sharp rockserrated her right butt cheek completely off. WhenButt Pipe fell during his second time around, a sharpedge ripped off his left hand leaving a bloody stump.When Cucci fell, a pointy slab punctured her lefthung-over boob and tequila poured out of it. Rose Budlapped it all up however.After the run, hashers showed off their flesh wounds.Dip Stick said to LMO, “Your butt’s untied!” BurningBush was not done running and took off for a third laparound. Then the hares handed out hats that wereembroidered with TMH3 and Circle went on for hours.Green Piece made sure everyone’s illuminated mugs werefilled with beer and then performed reconstructiveplastic surgery on LMO’s buttock. Pig Pimp showed offher bra #70. Rose Bud complained that Circle was goingon too long and he was getting cold.“Shut the Hell Up,” Eunuch yelled.Later on, hashers met in the hospitality suite wherethey drank some more and ate Twinkies andhoney-mustard pretzels. Dribbles entered the roomwearing a new pair of underwear with monogrammedinitials S.C. on it and a new pair of socks claiminghe bought them at the Wendover mall earlier thatmorning. But there is no mall in Wendover.Later that night Humpa Gump ordered a peculiar redwine called Shir-az Dry that she shared with LMO andKnees Up. It was so dry that it was served to themwith a plate of throat lozenges and chap stick. Afterthey drank one glass they coughed up sand. After theydrank two glasses they were forced to order severalrounds of lotion shots. By the end of the night theywere so dehydrated that cactus began to grow on their skin. Eunuch got so inebriated that he had a hard time finding his room. Once he did find it he discovered CSN had dead bolted the door on him and so he climbedinto bed with RoseBud and GreenPiece…and Dip Stick.

Day 3 began with an explosion. The explosion consisted of an astronomical amount of fecal matter that came soaring out of Crawler’s butt and spilled into most of a toilet at Subway. Eunuch walked into the bathroom right after Crawler and doubled over from the horrific stench. Crawler picked up a mud flap at a nearby truck stop and would suffer several more aftershock secretions for the remainder of the day. Hashers gathered outside their hotel for their second run. Butt Pipe showed up wearing a sleek luge speedsuit and helmet. Burning Bush took one look at his tight uniform and said, “Oh, you are Jewish aren’t you?”On this trail the runners had to maneuver down a steepridge and hashers stood in awe as they watched LMO andPig Pimp flow effortlessly down it like watercascading down a waterfall. Knees Up puked at the beercheck. Then the trail led hashers to the airport which used to be an old air force base and past several historical markers including deserted barracks, hangers, and a even a swimming pool. Finally the trail led to a small white building thatresembled a post office. Inside however was an old bar called “Carmen’s Blackand White” which was built in the 1920’s. When hashers sang their Circle songs, the bartender and the four men seated at the bar applauded them and cheered, commented on their “unique personalities,” and even bought them a round of beer. A crooked trophy with a female body builder figure on top was awarded to Dip Stick who won the most money from gambling (though he actually found a lot of it on the floor) and a loser trophy with a turkey on top was given to Pays 4Busch who lost most of his money because it kept falling out of his pockets. Dribbles sang a song to the hares that he wrote himself which was set to the theme from Gilligan’s Island. Pig Pimp showed off her #71. As hashers prepared to leave the establishment, Tammy the bartender confessed that in all the 20 years she has worked there she has never met a more entertaining group of people. One of the men seated at the bar also admitted he couldn’t remember when he had such a good time there. They pleaded with the hashers to return to Wendover soon. All of the hashers piled into the hares’ rental car that only sat four people and headed back to the hospitality suite for more drinking and chaos. Dribbles showed up wearing yet another pair of new underwear with monogrammed initials S.C. on them. Later that night in the steakhouse restaurant, while Crawler described his sloppy excrements in painful detail, Eunuch drunkenly initiated periodic seal claps from the other hasher tables in the room and CSN contemplated using the dead bolt again. Thirty seconds after LMO finished eating her $20.00 dinner, she threw it all back up in the nearby restroom and would later spew on the hour every hour for the rest of that night. Knee Deep and Pays 4Busch got so drunk they couldn’t find their rooms and so they climbed into bed with RoseBud and Green Piece…and Dip Stick andEunuch...and the 25-year-old skanky casino whore.The hashers returned to Denver on the fourth day and when hashers reached DIA Airport they hugged and kissed each other.
“I love you man,” said Dip Stick.
“See you soon,” said Eunuch.
“Til we meet again,” said Open Wide.
“It was nice meeting you,” said Pays 4Busch.
”Let’s do it again soon,” said the 25-year-old skanky casino whore. HUH?!

Back in Wendover the headlines on the Sunday paper read,TROOPS OF CRUDE SINGING RUNNERS INVADE WENDOVER. INALL OF WENDOVER’S 87-YEAR HISTORY, THIS WAS THE FIRSTTIME THAT A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL.- Lay Me Over